It is a unique place to be when you find yourself at a crossroad of society.  When you go as fast as you can and run and push and see that look of relief when you come into chaos and make it safe.  That is a place that few ever experience.

And then you leave, and maybe you play the radio on the way home, or you log in to social media or check the news inside your safe home.  And it’s there, in front of you, the hate and distrust. The people that would kill you for what you wear and what you stand for. 

When your own friends distrust you and respect you at the same time.  When people spew hate and then pause, and say, oh, but not you!  You must be different because we are friends. 

When I first started I had a ritual to prep my mindset.  Today might be the day, as I put on my gear.  Did I leave home behind and make sure everyone in that little house knows they are loved?  Am I clear headed?  Am I ready?  I’ve found myself in the past months returning to this ritual.  For I think there is another path and I think it will prevail.

For I must tell myself that what I do is worth it.  So much time and stress and fear and adrenaline, it must be worth it.  Time that I’m not home.  Time that is probably changing the very chemistry of my brain and body.  But if I leave, maybe there is someone that won’t be helped.  Maybe there are peers who will feel further hurt.  If I stay, can we work to make us all better?  For this doesn’t have to be either or.  We can respect those trying to do the job right and hold those accountable who are not.  Is this nuance so difficult?  I don’t think it is.  I think it is the right thing and it will continue to be my thing.  

"You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach. Those two ideas are not mutually exclusive.  You can have great regard for law enforcement and still want them to be held to high standards." - Jon Stewart.